What is Cultural and What is Personal?

Over lunch today, my girl friends and I were having an interesting discussion about certain behavior we have encountered in China. It posed the question, What is cultural and what is personal? Especially with things we deem inappropriate?


For instance, another teacher was telling me how she was out to dinner with some Chinese students, and while she was putting a piece of food in her mouth, one girl asked her, "Do you ever feel concerned about your weight?" As one may expect, she immediately lost her appetite and put the bite down, instantly feeling self-conscious. Another friend was at the store looking for perfume and she asked an employee for help. There was no perfume, but the lady was quick to find a bottle of acne treatment for her, as if that's what she wanted instead. I realize the lack of discretion may be a cultural thing, and I try to be as respectful as possible to such differences, but honestly, had I been in one of those two positions, I probably would've delivered a sarcastic response. I can tolerate a lot of things, but I take it veryyy personal when someone feels it's their place to point out something like that about myself without me asking ahead of time. I don't care where you're from.


Another thing I have encountered is the lack of phone etiquette. I'll admit, sometimes I screen my calls. Maybe that is considered bad etiquette as well, but alas, that's what I do when I don't feel like talking. Over the course of three days, this one girl practically exploded my phone with calls. It was a death-in-the-family frequency, but it was about me coming to English Corner. (For those not in the know, English Corner is when native speakers come to a spot on campus and are bombarded by students eager to practice their English. It's totally voluntary, and it can also get pretty overwhelming.) I knew I would be unable to attend this event but my reasons were confidential. It's easy to say, Well why didn't you just answer it and tell her you couldn't go? Truthfully, the more she called, the less I wanted to talk. I grew more and more annoyed. At lunch, Slava agreed, as people do the same thing when they call him. (I was even sitting beside him at a meal once and his phone must have rang fifteen times!) I asked if this was a cultural thing or a personal thing, and his response was that it was cultural. "But the other Chinese people in my phone don't do that," I said. He brought up a good point. The other Chinese people don't call, but when they do, they call till you pick up. I guess I have yet to encounter the others doing the same thing. What's interesting is I ran into the girl who wouldn't stop calling for three days, and she said, "I called your phone like a million times!" (yeah no shit) I told her I wouldn't be able to make it to English Corner and she says, "Oh no big deal, it doesn't matter." Well, judging by the urgency in your calling, I would've assumed it was a life or death situation. Ugh.


Moving on from the Chinese, let's talk about American culture. The guy I am seeing is Dutch, and when we first exchanged numbers, I coyly told him to call me first. He called me the next evening and we met up for drinks. "I was going to call you, and I knew I was going to call you, but I thought it was odd that you told me I have to be the one to call you first," he said. "Is that an American thing?" I told him maybe so, but it was what I was kind of used to doing. I assumed it was a normal thing all around, that people in Holland were quite possibly the same way. Apparently not. Late last night he called me, and asked me why I never call him. "I called you the other night, silly," I said sleepily. He then asked me if there was ever any other time I've called other than that. "I don't know," I said. "You always beat me to it." Then he made some comment about it all being because I'm American, like I'm following some code of ethics. The funny thing is, I've thought about it little to none, while it seems to be something he ponders frequently. Maybe that's a Dutch thing? Or maybe it's just personal?


I feel like it's really easy to hide behind your nationality, like it's an excuse for certain behavior. I'll admit, sometimes it's nice, but other times it's annoying. I believe in accepting responsibility for your own actions, regardless if they're considered inappropriate or not. The fact I don't generally call the Dutchie first is not because I'm American, it's because he really does beat me to the punch. I admit to being a bit more hardened over the years, I'm careful about making myself too readily available, and truth be told, I'm a self-respecting person. I wonder if he's used to the Chinese phone style of calling till the person picks up? Ugh, that would be such a deal-breaker if the guy I was seeing did that.


One night the Dutchie and I were having drinks and this girl at the bar was checking him out. I can't blame her, he's easy on the eyes, but it was starting to get annoying. We were trying to have a decent political conversation and from across the bar, she kept calling out, "Hello! Hello!" and we'd both look up and she stood there, grinning at him, holding her tiny glass of beer. "Cheers!" she said, motioning with her glass, sipping, all the while giving him the fuck me eyes. I didn't feel threatened by it, being that even if she were to try and spoil my situation there really couldn't be too much they could talk about because of the language barrier. One can only say "Hello" and "Cheers" enough, that would get old really quick. It was actually somewhat entertaining, especially because she appeared moderately desperate. After awhile, it started to get really annoying, because she continuously did it over and over again. At lunch, I asked Alex if that was cultural and she said it wasn't. We sure as shit don't normally do that in the States, and if someone is being like that, it's fucking rude point blank. 


Overall, dating is interesting here in China. I'm so used to American boys. I'm sure everyone is capable of playing games, regardless of where they're from, but so far there seems to be a considerable amount less as I continue to hang out with the Dutchman. I'm used to those silly games when we're confused about things and don't know what we want. But it's actually possible to be confused yet still coexist with someone without much conflict or mind-warping. The "I don't know what I want, Cool me neither" thing seems to work pretty well, rather than saying/doing two completely opposing things that totally screw with your head. Fortunately, as I've gotten older I've become a lot more perceptive in a guy's intentions so I'm not as easily fooled. I hate it when I get blind-sighted, it leaves me feeling disgruntled and disillusioned. So I try to avoid that as much as I can. 


Drawing back to the original question of what's cultural and what's personal, when is it okay to respond negatively over something that offends you? Sure, people hack up lungs and throw trash everywhere around here, I keep my mouth shut. I genuinely don't feel like it's my place to say anything. But when it insults me personally, I think it's more okay to draw a line. If it's their culture to point out flaws, then it's my culture to react negatively. I realize I may be in a different country, but one thing I refuse to lose is my self-respect, whether someone's telling me to watch what I eat or perplexed at the fact I don't usually call first. 


Alas, I'm still having fun, it's been a good ride thus far. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready to go to the guitar store.