Now what?

When I arrived in China, I wondered how long it would take for me to get homesick. I'm starting to feel it now.

Maybe it's the warm weather? Maybe it's the circumstances at home that I can't be around to attend at the moment? Maybe it's me? I don't know.

I had to push myself to relax last night before falling asleep, otherwise I would've continuously jarred my neck around, since my head was full of thoughts. I hate when doubt creeps its way into me, I think it's one of the worst emotions to have because I lose credibility within myself.

Summer is inching closer. I'm going to go home and see my family and friends. Then what? I don't know. I really don't. I have three options. I can come back to China and continue to work here (not in Baoding but elsewhere), improve my faulty Chinese, enjoy an environment that isn't diluted with other people like me so I'd actually have a decent shot at getting the job I'd want. There are creative circuits for foreigners in the major cities and doesn't seem so much like a rat race like it does in the States. On the flip side, I don't know if I want to stay in China that long because I have the desire to see other places as well before I find my spot on the map to lay anchor. My second option is to find somewhere else to go. My first choice is Spain. I want to go to Spain so bad. While it's nearly impossible for Americans to get work visas there, I could get a student visa and work through that. But where would I go to school? I'd love to be a student again and study a language I love and would probably use a lot more than Chinese. My third option is to stick around in the States and do something there. The positive is being close to my family. They need me right now. I feel very guilty for being so far away. The flip side is there are no jobs in the States, unless I'm comfortable with bartending again until I go back to school or go somewhere else again.

See, this shit stresses me out. I don't know what I'm going to do and I'm okay to a certain extent with not knowing, but I don't want to be stuck in that situation toward the end. I still have some time but I can't seem to figure out which direction to aim toward. I'm doing my research on all three, trying to be prepared, but as soon as it starts to get complicated I want to freak out. This is the part of living in my 20's that is more difficult to deal with--the "who am I and where do I belong" crap. All I know is it's not in my character to settle somewhere because I "can't" do anything better or it's "what I'm supposed to do." (aka office jobs)

I would love to study in Spain....