Now that I'm back in the States, I'm back to my vampire self. When the sun is out, I'm sluggish and rude. But as soon as it goes down, I come alive. What gives?
I'm going to Spain next month. It's a country fueled by nightlife. I imagine I'll probably fit in pretty well. At least I hope so.
John Hughes died today. 2009 is the year of death, I swear. Michael Jackson (duh), Farrah Fawcett (duh), Jay Bennett, Walter Cronkite, Estelle Bennett, Natasha Richardson, Bea Arthur, even Socks the Cat only to name a few. No matter how bright someone shines, we're all mortal. I guess it takes an occasional celebrity passing to remind me to be gentle to myself, yet exceed any limits I inherently place in front of me. I'm fortunate to still have my parents, my closest friends, even people I once considered enemies are still living and breathing so sometimes I forget we're all mortal. And yet, there's the paranoia lurking behind that one day the phone will ring and I'll get the news and suddenly, I'll feel more vulnerable than ever.
I don't intend for this entry to sound too existential or whimsical, but sometimes I do feel like I'm staring down the barrel of a shotgun, and I'm not the one caressing the trigger. It's not that I'm flirting with death or thinking of harm, but sometimes I get carried away thinking about just how fragile life really is, so it propels me to take these giant leaps and constantly change the scenery. I crave stability but at the same time the thought scares me, as though it's going to drag my life down between my fingers and the next thing I know, I'll be too old to remember the fun I could've had or the sights I might've seen. Some people say, "Tara, I admire you for traveling and being adventurous, it takes a lot of balls," but truthfully I don't really look at it like that. I feel like I don't have much choice in the situation, because if I sit still, someone IS going to pull the trigger and paralyze me.
For now, I'm concentrating on remaining positive and keeping the momentum going, that I'm actually starting a real career and not just some thing to pass the time until I "figure it all out." I'm hoping to meet others in Spain who will have a similar outlook, a thirst to explore. It'll make the adventure a lot more appealing, a lot less lonelier.