Shutterbug 09/13/2009
 
I've uploaded a few shots, mostly from Granada. Take a look! I'll be back later to upload more. Thanks for stopping by.
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But it's 2 a.m. I guess there's no real difference.

Now that I'm back in the States, I'm back to my vampire self. When the sun is out, I'm sluggish and rude. But as soon as it goes down, I come alive. What gives?

I'm going to Spain next month. It's a country fueled by nightlife. I imagine I'll probably fit in pretty well. At least I hope so.

John Hughes died today. 2009 is the year of death, I swear. Michael Jackson (duh), Farrah Fawcett (duh), Jay Bennett, Walter Cronkite, Estelle Bennett, Natasha Richardson, Bea Arthur, even Socks the Cat only to name a few. No matter how bright someone shines, we're all mortal. I guess it takes an occasional celebrity passing to remind me to be gentle to myself, yet exceed any limits I inherently place in front of me. I'm fortunate to still have my parents, my closest friends, even people I once considered enemies are still living and breathing so sometimes I forget we're all mortal. And yet, there's the paranoia lurking behind that one day the phone will ring and I'll get the news and suddenly, I'll feel more vulnerable than ever.

I don't intend for this entry to sound too existential or whimsical, but sometimes I do feel like I'm staring down the barrel of a shotgun, and I'm not the one caressing the trigger. It's not that I'm flirting with death or thinking of harm, but sometimes I get carried away thinking about just how fragile life really is, so it propels me to take these giant leaps and constantly change the scenery. I crave stability but at the same time the thought scares me, as though it's going to drag my life down between my fingers and the next thing I know, I'll be too old to remember the fun I could've had or the sights I might've seen. Some people say, "Tara, I admire you for traveling and being adventurous, it takes a lot of balls," but truthfully I don't really look at it like that. I feel like I don't have much choice in the situation, because if I sit still, someone IS going to pull the trigger and paralyze me.

For now, I'm concentrating on remaining positive and keeping the momentum going, that I'm actually starting a real career and not just some thing to pass the time until I "figure it all out." I'm hoping to meet others in Spain who will have a similar outlook, a thirst to explore. It'll make the adventure a lot more appealing, a lot less lonelier.
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Now what? 04/13/2009
 

When I arrived in China, I wondered how long it would take for me to get homesick. I'm starting to feel it now.

Maybe it's the warm weather? Maybe it's the circumstances at home that I can't be around to attend at the moment? Maybe it's me? I don't know.

I had to push myself to relax last night before falling asleep, otherwise I would've continuously jarred my neck around, since my head was full of thoughts. I hate when doubt creeps its way into me, I think it's one of the worst emotions to have because I lose credibility within myself.

Summer is inching closer. I'm going to go home and see my family and friends. Then what? I don't know. I really don't. I have three options. I can come back to China and continue to work here (not in Baoding but elsewhere), improve my faulty Chinese, enjoy an environment that isn't diluted with other people like me so I'd actually have a decent shot at getting the job I'd want. There are creative circuits for foreigners in the major cities and doesn't seem so much like a rat race like it does in the States. On the flip side, I don't know if I want to stay in China that long because I have the desire to see other places as well before I find my spot on the map to lay anchor. My second option is to find somewhere else to go. My first choice is Spain. I want to go to Spain so bad. While it's nearly impossible for Americans to get work visas there, I could get a student visa and work through that. But where would I go to school? I'd love to be a student again and study a language I love and would probably use a lot more than Chinese. My third option is to stick around in the States and do something there. The positive is being close to my family. They need me right now. I feel very guilty for being so far away. The flip side is there are no jobs in the States, unless I'm comfortable with bartending again until I go back to school or go somewhere else again.

See, this shit stresses me out. I don't know what I'm going to do and I'm okay to a certain extent with not knowing, but I don't want to be stuck in that situation toward the end. I still have some time but I can't seem to figure out which direction to aim toward. I'm doing my research on all three, trying to be prepared, but as soon as it starts to get complicated I want to freak out. This is the part of living in my 20's that is more difficult to deal with--the "who am I and where do I belong" crap. All I know is it's not in my character to settle somewhere because I "can't" do anything better or it's "what I'm supposed to do." (aka office jobs)

I would love to study in Spain....

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