I'm three hours late, timing's never been my strong suit.

I've been working on a new song, it's kind of kicking my ass a little because it's more difficult to put together. I hope the end result is one that will make me proud to call it mine. It's called "Let's Go to Shanghai."

I'm going there in a few days, decided to utilize my week off and do something fabulous and slightly scary. Everyone's kinda doing their own thing this week, so I figured I'd follow suit, except I'm doing this one alone. Some Tara time is always good, especially with headphones, a camera, and a key to a hostel room. I hope I meet and make some new friends. The place I plan to stay at is two minutes from a Buddhist temple. How awesome to sit inside the real deal rather than some make-believe, (unintended) mockery? If I want to really live and bask in the moment, what better way than to take the 12-hour train ride down there alone, with my stomach in my throat, clutching my phrasebook, eyes wider than stars? Off to see a place I've always wanted to see. Maybe I want to be drugged up, not by any foul substance but by the city itself. The term "shanghai" means to coerce. Maybe I want to be coerced, by its existence, by my own, into doing something surreal. I have had some of my best adventures alone, like when I drove to San Francisco, still drunk from the night before in Los Angeles, summer of 2006. That was one of the best impulsive decisions I have ever made. One of several. I've felt the most alive when taking those solo journeys, so much adrenaline. It's way better than sky-diving, even though I've never sky-dived. I would think jumping out of a plane would actually be somewhat anti-climactic. Yeah, you're falling in the air, I'm sure that's a rush, but it's a forced kind of rush and you know what the outcome is going to be, if you're lucky and your parachute opens.

Fuck that, I'd rather stay on the ground and ride a train. I love trains. The way they sound, the way they move, it's sensual and fascinating, even if I'm crammed in a room with three stinky strangers and can hardly breathe. Okay maybe that isn't so sensual. Regardless, it's my choice of transfusion, a great means of transportation. And the rush of not knowing where I'm going or who I'm going to run into, what I'm going to experience, is far greater and more exhilerating than the thought of jumping out of a plane. It's more tangible, too.

I watched Say Anything tonight, still one of my favorite movies. Lloyd Dobbler's my dream boy. His character is so full of life, so rich with being that I feel like I know him, even though I don't and wish I did. His quirky mannerisms, like the inability to sit still or keep his mouth shut, make him so dynamic. Plus, he's subtle and honest, intelligent, humble, likes good music and doesn't have an enemy, has a small streak of badass that doesn't overwhelm his good side, he's fucking perfect. Easy on the eyes, and goes with his girl to England. He's loyal, even when her father is bashing him for his "mediocrity," he still hands him her letter and tells him his daughter loves him. Do guys like that actually exist in real life or are they saved for movie roles, ones with poignant endings where you assume the rest after? Ones without sequels that showcase the flaws, like maybe Lloyd likes to recycle others' ideas and make them his own without giving proper credit. Or maybe he whines when things aren't going his way, maybe he gets really judgmental when the clock is ticking and he's had enough for the day. Maybe he gets careless. Maybe he avoids important, personal issues and replaces them with communal woes, maybe he avoids self-disclosure because he's afraid of what just might be exposed. Maybe he's a pussy. He can kickbox, but maybe deep down he's still a big fat pussy. Chances are, however, there is someone out there who can live with those flaws and is willing to accept the fact he isn't perfect, that said imperfections allow him to be perfect and unique because there's no one out there quite like him to compare with. That the strengths of his character are far too brilliant and beautiful to be overshadowed by his weaknesses, when someone notices that and accepts you for all of it, that's what love is. It's taken me quite awhile to figure that out, especially after years of relationships spent pretending. Now, when I want to be with someone, I want to simply be and not feel ashamed for my character, flaws and all. My good outweighs my bad tenfold and I want someone who's going to recognize that, instead of making me feel like I'm full of shortcomings. I want someone who wants to go places with me because God I can't sit still nor can I keep my mouth shut sometimes.

That was a rant. I'm done, for real yo. It's time to sleep, I think I've burned enough oil for the night. Wish me luck in Shanghai, help me get coerced.