I stared at Gaudi´s work in Barcelona. He must have done some sort of psychedelic drugs during his hiatus in the green. His buildings dazzle in extravagance yet weep with sadness. I became curious.

What´s it like to start something you´re never going to finish? Maybe it´s a subliminal connection to immortality.

The men who first carried the stone and began to build, build build. What were they thinking about? The end result or the process of getting there?

And then I think about death and how it seems to carry us toward it with such gravitational pull, you´d think it was the moon. The Americans were the first to get there, at least they claim to be. But there´s still speculation of conspiracy.

What are we racing for? Tomorrow, tomorrow, there´s always tomorrow. Shut the fuck up, Annie. I need my today like books to read, to carry the weight of empty space in my head. I need time to organize.

I´ll be 42 at the estimated time of Sagrada Familia´s completion. Will I feel complete then? Will I have obtained all I needed to so I can just sit and be alive rather than ache for progress?

Then it dawned on me those men probably weren´t thinking about how they´d never live to see the day that building was built. And Gaudi probably did drugs because he liked them.

Pîctures to come later.

I´m happy December is here. Things are starting to fall into place. I received my first paycheck in Spain, and it felt more gratifying than receiving my TEFL certificate. It was physical representation of my hard work, not just in teaching hours, but in the path that lead me here. It wasn´t easy and it still isn´t.

But it´s getting easier. Slowly, but surely. I´m meeting more people, becoming more adjusted and comfortable in my teaching style, and I´m more aware of my habits rather than put up a blind eye or create some kind of quick fix to ignore them with.

I´ve become so fond of cooking that I rarely eat out. I´m brainstorming ideas for a novel I want to begin. I´m trying to stray a bit from the autobiographical nature this time but it´s difficult not to gravitate inside my own world.

I went to the Pilar on Sunday and it was pretty enjoyable. Quiet, peaceful, a good place to meditate. I focused my thoughts and walked out feeling refreshed. I need positive things to cling to.

I bought a bus ticket today, so I´m Barcelona-bound on Saturday after teaching. I´m going to visit a friend in Girona and have a wild night or two in Barcelona, while hopefully enjoying some seaside weather. I´m really excited. I´m also hoping my mother will come visit me for Christmas. I have two weeks off so it would be great to roam around Spain with mi madre.

My Spanish is slowly improving. I have classes three times a week at my academy and I haven´t missed one yet, nor do I intend to. I have two other classmates, a British man and an Italian girl. I´m still not at conversational level yet but I´m almost there. Give me time. Sooner or later I hope to write an entry in Spanish. It will probably be a bit mierda but I´ll do my best.

Anyway, that´s the update for now. Keep your fingers crossed I complete 2009 on a high note.